November 5, 2007

Democracy in Action!

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:53 pm by scottorwig

Tomorrow is election day. If you didn’t already know this, don’t feel too bad–I’m only aware of it because of all the hilarious campaign ads that have been bombarding the 5 channels I can get at my apartment. Basically, the deal is that we’re voting on a new Mayor to replace Danny Glover-lookalike John Street and a bunch of random state and county officials that you neither know of nor care about–so let’s just focus on the mayoral election for now.

Your candidates are Michael Nutter and Al Taubenberger. Now, if you’ve followed Philly politics at all during the past year, you’d know that people have been referring to Nutter as the Mayor since the middle of May, when he won the Democratic nomination over a bunch of people I’ve already forgotten about. And since Philly has elected a Democrat Mayor every election since 1952, nothing short of him shooting a cop or being a Cowboys fan can keep him from winning tomorrow.

But that doesn’t mean Al Taubenberger isn’t trying. He’s made a TV commercial and everything! If you haven’t seen the ad, I strongly advice you check it out, as it may just be the single worst campaign advertisement of all time; it has the look and feel of a car dealership commercial and manages to touch on exactly zero political issues. Here are the facts I’ve learned about Al Taubenberger from this commercial:

1 . He’s a nice guy!

2. He’s from the Northeast!

3. He’s the underdog!

4. He doesn’t know any black people!

The first two points? Fine. He’s a genial fellow who identifies with a neighborhood in the city. But the underdog part? This is democracy, not Rocky. We’re supposed to judge candidates on the basis of their ideas, and the people of Philadelphia have decided that they like Michael Nutter’s ideas better. He’s the underdog because he sucks at what he does, and I’m supposed to give him my vote because of that? Has American Democracy fallen so far that the concept of a “pity vote” is a viable vote-getting strategy?

And look at the people in that ad–does it seem like that’s a representative sample of our population? If you didn’t know any better, you’d think Al Taubenberger is running for Mayor of Des Moines, Iowa. Philly is 43% black. Al Taubenberger’s commercial is 100% white. I understand that the black vote is overwhelmingly Democrat–but damn, Al, at least pretend you’re trying to win.

I’m sure Al Taubenberger is a smart enough guy, and I’m sure he knows he doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning this election, so why waste the money on running a commercial that reaches out to absolutely no one other than his current supporters, and provides no information concerning what he plans to do as Mayor?

This is what happens in a two-party system when people vote exclusively along party lines. Al Taubenberger could cure cancer, make SEPTA run on time and take the Eagles to the Super Bowl and still lose the election because he’s a Republican.

P.S.: Your new Mayor, Michael Nutter, wants to give cops the freedom to frisk you on the street without a warrant or probable cause. Cut your hair, hippie–they’re coming for you!



Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 3:06 pm by salsaramirez

In her best selling ethnography, My Freshman Year, Rebeka Nathan posits the University experience as a liminal period-between adolescent dependence and adult responsibility, the student negotiates a position for her self vis-a-vis society at large.The magical time allows space for young males to negotiate the ways in which they present themselves to others; I argue that the management of facial hair is crucial to the identity formation of young North American males, as it provides a ready signifier of race, class, cohort, and most importantly masculinity (though I list these categories separately, they are a implicated with and mutually constituted by each other). Furthermore, facial hair can be modified in a variety of ways to fit the expressive needs of the individual.

Masculinity, however, being constructed in a dichotomous opposition that requires the existence of a feminine other, is quite fragile. If a female were, in good spirits, to appropriate your modes of self-signification in order to participate in that festival of (mis)representation that is Halloween, immediate action would be required to prevent the mimesis of a line of fuzz above the female lip feminize the rightful possessor of mustached dudeliness.

My Biggest Fan

Immediate action is necessary to preserve borders between masculinity and femininity. img_0426.jpgimg_0433.jpgimg_0435.jpg



Stay Smooth,


November 4, 2007

Global Warming Is Awesome/Not Real

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:53 pm by Willy

Global warming fucking rocks. As I sit in the brisk fall air, I realize that it’s not brisk at all, it’s fucking nice out! The world needs to stop complaining about global warming, because it’s only benefitting us. “Us” being, everyone that lives in a nice temperate climate zone, like Philadelphia. It’s November and it’s like 65 degrees out! Show me the downside!

“But Bill, I’m not sure you’ve got it right… It’s going to melt the ice caps… wah wah wah… makes the world colder in the end… cry cry cry… poisons the air… blah blah blah… Al Gore… wee wei weu.”

Listen, crybaby, you can whine all you want about the inevitable, or we can really embrace this utterly awesome phenomenon. Notice it’s not called global destroyening. It’s just global warming. Why try to fight what could be the coolest thing to happen to the earth since it was farted out of the sun?

“But Bill, all of our culture and beautiful cities and lovely writings and education will be lost forever if they’re all submerged in water! Wah wah wah wah wah! We’ll all be miserable.”

First of all, you’re already miserable, so submerging the earth in a couple hundred trillion gallons of water isn’t going to change that. Just accept that we’ll all be living on catamarans drinking our purified piss out of a Brita filter and hanging out on giant floating commonwealths selling dry dirt to the highest bidder. It will be something like this:

If you’re still not convinced, I hope you drown in your own baby tears before the Katrina-times-a-thousand squalls do the same. Meanwhile, I’ll be busy constructing a glorious vessel and stocking up on non-perishable food items. I guess I’ll see you true believers in the decades following the apocalypse of the land dwellers. Have your Dramamine ready. Sure global warming isn’t happening as fast as I’d like it too, but I can’t wait to bring as many children into this world to experience the adventures that I would only be able to dream about. You’re so lucky future-children.

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